Dementia.

Dementia is an impossibly hard illness to come to terms with. For the individual Dementia degrades every scrap of their very existence, it completely unplugs them from the life they once knew. For the family and people who are left behind Dementia creates a multitude of burdens. There is the burden of slowly and then very suddenly losing that person you knew, comprehending that a lifetime of their memories are gone and nothing is going to bring any of those back. Then there is the burden of having to care for this totally dependent person for the rest of their days.

As weeks go, this was not what I would put down as one of my finest. Its been a battle in the back of my mind that I knew was an unavoidable situation, but until it actually arrived I shut myself away from it. Usually I'm not that kind of girl but this was slightly different. Because next week things will never be the same again for our little family.So much has gone on for the last five years with my Dad's family that my parents have battled arduously with and while these things have indirectly effected me over the years they haven't actually had any major impact on my life, until now. Even writing it down makes me feel so utterly selfish, but its true. And I suppose to my parents things haven't been the same for them in a long while, but so far it hasn't had a direct effect on my life. That is until now.

I'm not afraid of change, but this one has had me scared. Over the last few weeks there has been a dark cloud looming over me, making me emotional, miserable and an unpleasant person for my family to be around I can imagine. Two huge events happen Thursday. We move out of our home. We finally take my Nan in to our family to care for her. And yes it probably won't be as bad as I've worked myself up to expect, but to me it feels like the dynamics of our life as the three of us are going to change forever. That change is as irreversible as the Dementia.

Perhaps it is the uncertainty of the future that is unsettling me? Or the disruption of our lives being put away in boxes once again? My mind is so overcome with negativity and fear at the moment that I can't seem to see a silver lining anywhere. But it will come. It has to.